My name is Patrick, and I’m glad you’re here! My wife MJ and I are excited to share this blog with you. 

MJ and I live in Franklin, TN with our four amazing children. You can read more about us and our family on our ‘about us’ page. We invite you to sign up for our occasional email updates. You’ll be the first to know about new blog posts and you’ll have access to content that’s just for email subscribers. 

We’ve experienced so much we want to share with you and we’re hoping that this blog becomes a source of light for you as you walk through life and navigate your own challenges and relationships. 

MJ and I have been married for over 18 years. Our marriage has survived (and is thriving) after going through an ordeal that could easily have destroyed it. Not every marriage survives this kind of calamity, and fewer still come back from the edge stronger than ever. Not just stronger than ever, but with a peace and love that transcends understanding. Something we didn’t even know we could hope for. 

As our marriage was put through the wringer, we each individually experienced what we now look back on as ‘an awakening’. It feels strange to say that. Claiming to be ‘awake’ or ‘having awakened’ or even ‘awakening’ is something I’ve shied away from in some ways because the more that I awaken to, the more I see how little I know and how much there still is to learn. 

Nonetheless, it’s clear to me that I can say with the man that Jesus healed in John 9 “I don’t know…. But I know this: I was blind, and now I can see!” 

Blinded to Love

Church has always been a huge part of my life. My family was part of a very conservative (Amish-Mennonite) church. My grandfather was the bishop (lead pastor) of our small congregation as well as a prominent business leader in our community, so my brothers and I grew up feeling like there was a little greater scrutiny on us than was comfortable.

There were a lot of rules that cascaded from our church into our family and became a central part of my childhood. Plain clothing was required, no stripes or prints allowed. Long plain dresses for the women, as well as a prerequisite prayer veiling that covered their hair almost completely. No TV, no movies, no musical instruments, no dancing, no motorcycles, no card games, no circuses or carnivals (because the root word of carnival is …. you guessed it: carne, which means ‘flesh’. And you know where fleshly desires and activities end up). I’m not making this up. 

These myriad rules and the consequences for breaking them became so thoroughly woven into the fabric of my being that it dramatically shaped my view of God from a very young age. My primary view of God as a young boy growing into adolescence was that he was very hard to keep happy and he must surely hate me. From my youngest memories, I pictured God as mostly angry in general and especially pissed at me for my shortcomings. Lord knows I had plenty of those. 

One of the most powerful influences on my young life was a fear of what others would think. I think that’s in part due to my own insecurities, but it’s also due in part to the nature of the spirit of religion I was steeped in. It became incredibly important not to have someone think poorly of me. If there was something wrong with me, it was better to shut up about it and hide it than to be exposed and bring shame on myself or worse, my family. 

Shame is a powerful tool for external behavior modification, but as I learned the hard way, it has no power to change the heart. 

As I grew into adolescence, I began to escape into a fantasy world where I sought love and connection without sacrifice. Pornography fueled my imagination and made me feel alive, but left me wracked in shame and wallowing in self hatred. 

Nonetheless, I learned to perform for those around me. I followed the church guidelines well enough to be baptized and become a member of the church at 16, all the while hiding my shame and wondering what was wrong with me. 

When I was 30, MJ and I left the ‘plain’ church tradition and joined a non-denominational Christian church in our community. I knew that I was hiding a lot of darkness and shame inside, but on the outside, I tried to be a good Christian. The pastor at our new church preached about the unconditional love of God in a way I had never heard before, and it intrigued me. I tried to figure it all out and reason it out in my head. I tried so hard to figure out how to get it all right, but I kept feeling more and more lost and disconnected from God. 

Fear gripped me. Fear that I would be exposed as the fraud that I was. I numbed the fear and pain with porn and fantasy and soldiered on, figuring I would ‘get right with God’ some time, before it was too late. I couldn’t imagine living in a future in which my darkest secrets were made known, but I also sensed that in order to be truly healed, I’d have to bring my sins into the light. 

Into The Light

In the New Testament (Acts 9) there’s a story about how Saul encountered the living Christ and was struck down in a beam of light. He turned around and went from hunting and torturing followers of Christ to become one of the most outspoken teachers of the gospel in history. His name was changed to Paul and he went on to write a significant part of the New Testament.

My journey from darkness into the light wasn’t much less dramatic than Saul’s. My life has been radically changed by the only force that can bring lasting change: Love. Love is capitalized for a reason. Love personified in Jesus the Christ, Love, the Ground of Being, the Creator God. 

In an upcoming blog post, I’ll share the story of my own ‘Damascus Road’ experience, but for now, suffice it to say that when everything shifted and my eyes opened to the reality of Jesus, it shook me to my core. 

“Wait, this is what it’s been about all along?” How had I gotten it so wrong for so long? How had I missed this good news? 

It was tempting to blame the messengers or blame the ultra-conservative religious system I grew up in, or some other circumstance for blinding me to the true nature of Love. The truth is, there’s no one to blame.  It all belongs. God’s timing is perfect. My years of suffering under the weight of my own sin and blindness are a part of His story in my life.

This blog might not be for you

Best-selling author Seth Godin talks about the importance of recognizing that when you’re making something (like this blog) that it’s not FOR everyone. The more authentic, vulnerable and truthful the art, the more likely that you’ll offend someone and drive them away. 

First I might lose some of you who are ‘anti-religion’. With all this talk about lives being changed by God, you might be rolling your eyes and lumping me in with those ‘religious nutjobs’. I don’t want to lose you. I have something to say to you if you stick around. Trust me - I’ve got plenty of beef with religion, so we’re alike in that way. 

On the other hand, I don’t mind if I lose the religious people reading (those who have the ‘spirit of religion’). The spirit of religion is the antithesis of Love. If you make it through this blog post, you probably won’t make it through the next one. I’m ok with that. 

Who is this for?

Blogging experts suggest starting a new blog by being clear about who it is you’re writing to. 

So who is this for? 

If you keep letting yourself down and you can’t figure out why-- this is for you. 

This is for you if you feel dark or hopeless inside. 

If your marriage is a dumpster fire of lies, cheating, and manipulation, this is for you. 

Are you your own worst critic? Your own judge, jury, and jailor? Yep, for you. 

Are you jacked-up on gambling, porn, drugs, sugar or religion but yet there’s a still small voice inside of you that knows you were created for more? This is most definitely for you. 

This is for the lonely, the curious, the empty, the addicted, the fearful. 

MJ and I’s prayer is that our story will point you to the true Healer, to Love, to Yeshua, the eternal Christ who is our salvation.

Why Now?

It’s been over a year since MJ and I walked through the fire together. I’ll tell you all about that story in in a few days. (I’ll email it to you if you want - just sign up for our blog updates here). The intervening months have been intensely painful, healing and full of growth. Honestly, I think we’re just now gaining the perspective and language to tell this story. 

We also finally have the time and space to write this down. Quarantined due to Covid-19, we have more time to be still and observe what God is doing in our lives and in our family. 

Lastly, why not now? What better time for a story of great hope? A story that vividly paints a picture of a new life after death. A story that reminds us that Love is more powerful than shame. 

The spirit of religion is too weak and insufficient to sustain us when the waves of life crash onto our shores. As the world reels from the storms of pandemic, false religions will be exposed for what they are. There’s no power there, no bedrock on which to build a life.  

Fear, power, and control are awful, empty substitutes for the Bread of Life. The spirit of religion disconnects us from our true source of life. At the core of this spirit lies deep insecurity that makes us seek certitude at the expense of wonder. No room for awe. No room for walking with God in the cool of the day. Eat the fruit, know Good and Evil and judge it all. 

When the storm rages and you’re hanging onto the edge of reality with white knuckles and a black heart, the spirit of religion is exposed for what it really is. It’s the spirit of the world (Col. 2:8, 20) and there’s no life there. 

There’s another substitute that’s being exposed, and in many ways, it’s the flip side of the coin. An avante garde Christianity that’s basically a feel-good social club. No real transformation required. Don’t ask any hard questions and only give pat answers. No recognition that the way of the Cross is death AND life. 

Once again, when shit hits the fan, that’s not going to hold. There’s nothing there to build a life on.

So maybe there’s no better time than now to tell this story and point to a Love that overcomes all. A Love that burns away your ego and shame. A Love that calls out of you that which you were created to be. 

We love you - let’s do this thing!